The Stuffed Animal Sitters Club
by Giant Squuidy
Summary: James loves his Peaches, Sirius loves his James Banana, Peter really loves Peter Porpoise the Porpoise, and Remus really doesn't care. Lily's really creepy, and where does Frank sleep anyways? Oneshot.


**Authors Note: Yay! Another crazy one-shot within the mind of Emily, along with Katlin this time! **

Yay! The idea came to us while staring at a creepy lamb over her T.V. we have lovingly dubbed "Peaches."

**This is a disclaimer.**

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**The Stuffed Animal Sitters Club**

"Prongs, what the hell is this?" Sirius Black proclaimed, as he picked up a ratty lamb stuffed animal from James' four-poster bed. The way he held it made it appear that the lamb had some sort of a disease. For all young Sirius Black knew, the old item did have some sort of a disease; for he didn't know where it came from or where it's been in its lifetime.

James Potter dived from his spot on the 5th year boys dormitory floor to grab the animal from Sirius' grasp. "GET OFF PEACHES YOU MOLESTOR!"

He cuddled it protectively as he muttered about stupid wankers touching innocent lambs. Of course Sirius was taken aback by this display, but he was much too suave to display it; so instead he squealed in surprise and toppled over backwards onto Peter Pettigrew. Remus watched in mild amusement.

James suddenly halted in his caressing and rounded on Sirius who was still attempting to scramble off a frightened Peter, "Never. NEVER touch my precious Peachie Pie! I've had him since I was a wee boy of 6!"

Suddenly, Peter perked up, "I enjoy a good peach pie!"

Ignoring Peter and all attentions of getting off of him, Sirius cocked his head to the side, "I've never seen that thing before. You'd think I would have, considering I like live with you most of the time."

Without even looking up from his homework, Remus said, "How can you miss it? It's always been there… It even has it's own bed over there."

"Isn't that Frank Longbottom's bed?" Peter replied nonchantely, not minding Sirius who seemed to have forgotten about being on top of him.

Once again Sirius toppled over, realizing that he was in fact on top of Peter, and instead settling for the floor, "So where does Frank sleep?"

"I have no idea."

Sirius stared disgustedly at the lamb James was cuddling again, "So that… thing took over the spot of our beloved Frank?"

"PEACHES IS A FEMALE YOU WANKER!" James cried aghast, jumping up, "I still remember the day I got him. It was a--"

"Please don't tell us."

James had received the lamb from his uncle, Alfred. Two days later Alfred was killed in the auror business. Of course this was tragic for James, so he named the lamb Peaches after his uncle's favorite fruit. Truly, Alfred favored tomatoes more, but Tomatoes the lamb just sounded odd.

"Mate" Sirius began, stepping backwards away from James, "I think you've lost your mind."

Which happened quite often if you asked any member of the Gryffindor house.

From across the room, Peter Pettigrew made a noise associated to wanting to add something in, so he did. "I understand, Prongs, I have this porpoise named Peter Porpoise the Porpoise."

And true to his word, Peter got down on his knees and dragged a dusty looking porpoise toy out from under his bed, along with other unidentified objects including a broken muggle hair dryer, a spatula, and something that looked suspiciously like a pom-pom.

Sirius quickly stood up and moved towards the door, mimicking a look of utter horror, "Ya'll are wack."

"It's quite normal to have treasured items from your childhood," Remus noted, gently placing his arithmancy book to his side.

Peter looked at Remus quizzically, "I got Peter Porpoise the Porpoise a couple months ago though."

"It's true," James added, "I was with him when he bought it in Hogsmeade."

The look of distaste did not leave Sirius' face.

James hopped over to Sirius' trunk and rummaged in it, "I happen to know for a fact that you have a retarded monkey named James Banana stuffed away in your trunk, Padfoot!"

"Don't you bring Mr. Banana into this!"

"I'll bring whoever I want to bring into this!" James cried, finally pulling out a monkey in a tuxedo out of the chaos that was Sirius' trunk.

"I dare you to say that to my face!"

While James and Sirius made crude remarks about who had the manlier animal, Peter turned to Remus.

"Hey Moony, what's under your pillow that you're currently patting as if it's a bunny. Is it a bunny?"

Remus blinked, "There's nothing of the rabbit species under my pillow."

"Aw shucks." Peter groaned. He was rather fond of bunnies.

But secretly, Remus touched the item under his pillow. He would never tell his fellow marauders of his secret. They would only laugh if they found out he kept an encyclopedia named "Marty" under his bedspread.

"Well I don't know about you wankers, but I'm hungry. So I'm leaving." Sirius declared as he snatched James Banana out of James' grasp, and returning him to his rightful spot.

James nodded, "Righto" forgetting their argument as he replaced Peaches on his bed.

And as all the boys left the dormitory they each thought about their special items and the place they held in their hearts; except for Peter, who pulled Peter Porpoise the Porpoise out from the tangle of his covers, kissed the top of his head, and stuffed him into his satchel.

**--------------**

The next day when the four boys awoke and headed down the staircase, the Gryffindor common room was abuzz with intelligent discussions, as it always was.

"Megan, I really do adore that lampshade."

So intelligent, Remus visibly cringed and covered his ears as if anything unintelligent would soil his mind- and the rest of the Marauders relied on Remus' mind.

Peter finished securing Peter Porpoise the Porpoise into his new baby carrier across his chest that he forced Remus to conjure for him the last evening, "I have to do something, guys."

"That's not suspicious at all." James nodded.

Sirius quirked an eyebrow, "Good for you, Pete?"

He smiled, before dashing off to the notice board and pulling an article of paper out of his robe pocket and tacking it up. He then dashed back.

"Okay. I'm done now."

"Whatever Wormtail" James mumbled as he watched the people begin to shuffled towards whatever Peter put up.

The day passed without event. They went to breakfast and ate, went to Charms and charmed things, went to Potions and failed miserable while Lily triumphed, went to lunch and ate again, went to Astronomy and charted planets, and went to Transfiguration and got yelled at by McGonagall. A rather normal day, until dinner arrived.

"Peter, I totally just found this flyer in the girls bathroom." Sirius declared as he slammed his plate down at their normal spot at the Gryffindor table.

Remus looked up from his turkey, "Should I ask why you were in the girl's bathroom?"

"No."

Not at all bothered by the fact Sirius was wandering around girl's lavatories, James asked, "What's on it?"

Peter giggled and lowered his head into his baked potato as Sirius began to read.

"Professional Stuffed-animal watcher. Will watch any animal for only 1 sickle so you and the lady can go have some fun alone. Gryffindor common room, tonight. One night only."

"What the hell?"

**-----------------------**

It was finally that evening, and after confessing his dream job as a toy babysitter, Peter had demanded the other boys baby-sit with him, on the threat that he would pierce their ears in the middle of the night. The boys agreed that they were much too manly to be wearing earrings. No matter how good those hoops looked.

"So. Is anyone actually going to come to this?" Sirius groaned, sinking into the armchair with James Banana.

Peter also demanded that they bring their stuffed animals to socialize, because according to him; if their animals were not free to talk, they would become loners, never get married, and commit suicide at a young age. None of the boys wanted this for their loved ones.

Indignantly Peter clutched Peter Porpoise the Porpoise to his chest, "Yes!"

Remus also made it appear that he only brought down the old encyclopedia for light-reading. He didn't want Marty to commit suicide either, though he mentally denied being affected by Peter's speech.

"Where's your stuffed animal, Remus?" Peter asked, leaning towards him rather threatening.

He looked up from reading the definition of the word 'mayonnaise', "Right behind you, Peter."

Of course, Peter eagerly turned around in hopes of seeing Remus' animal friend.

"What? Lily and Alice are your stuffed animals."

Sirius also looked up, "This is something worth telling your friends, Moony. The fact you have two pikers as your snuggle-bunnies."

James gasped dramatically, "What? I've asked her hundreds of times to be my shuggle-bunny! Why'd she say yes to you?"

Quizzically Remus asked Sirius, ignoring James' outburst, "Since when do you speak Norwegian?"

"I honestly have no idea. I can just say girl in many languages- Meisjes, chicas, filles, madchen, ragezze, peullas, meninas, девочки, I could go on forever."

"Please don't Black" Lily Evans spoke as she situated herself on the couch beside Alice Prewett. "We might not be able to stomach this session if you do. And I really want my sweetie to have friends so he won't grow up as a loner, never get married, and end up commiting suicide at a young age."

Peter nodded in understanding.

"Who's the sitter anyways?" Alice questioned as she pulled some sort of creature out of her bag, hiding it under her robe.

Perking up, Peter called in an authoritive manner "I am! If this is everyone, we should begin."

Two people was much more then they expected.

Sirius sunk down even more in his seat, hiding James Banana, "Must we?" He still wasn't out of the closet.

Ignoring Sirius, Peter continued, "Let's introduce our friends. Who would like to start?"

Lily raised her hand, "I will Peter!" She then pulled a scary looking shark out of her bag, "This is Ripper."

Glancing around the group with no actual interest in the conversation, Remus said "James, do you realize your drooling on Peaches?"

"OH GOD! PEACHES!"

"SHUT UP TOERAG I'M TALKING!"

Continuing with the circle, Peter asked "When did you get him, Lily?"

"When I was 7 and scared of the dark. Ripper eats the bad things in the night. Actually, he more like rips them limb from limb and eats their internal organs." she added thoughtfully.

Sirius scooted away from Lily and covered James Banana's ears, "That's pleasant."

She only smiled.

"Well. Moving on from my best friend's creepiness, this is Peanut Butter- he's a flying squirrel. End of story."

"Well when did you get-"

"I SAID END OF STORY!"

Peter cringed, "All righty then, your turn Prongs."

Sudden embarrassment ran over James, "Er. This is Peaches. She's a lamb.

Sirius smirked, "Tell us about Peaches, Prongs."

"He spreads sunshine and happiness throughout my life" James replied, glaring at Sirius.

Everyone stared oddly at him.

"Well" Sirius began, holding up his monkey, "This is James Banana."

Alice sat up, "What about James' banana? That is highly inappropriate."

Scoffing, Sirius held out the monkey so people could see it better, "James Banana has nothing to do with James' banana, thank you very much! He's a secret spy monkey in the rain forest! He busts crime! Merlin's beard, you people are morons."

Very audibly, James chortled, causing Lily to glare in his direction, causing him to shut up and listen.

"My turn!" Peter cried, holding his porpoise above his head to deliver his point, "This is my best friend! Peter Porpoise the Porpoise! I got Peter Porpoise the Porpoise in Hogsmeade a couple months ago."

"I was there" James added.

"He's very close to my heart. I love him as I would love a child, or a badly diseased goldfish. His name originates from mine, and the fact he's a porpoise."

Peter Porpoise the Porpoise was in fact a European Starling, a bird native to Northern America known for it's vicious personality and tendencies to scare other birds away from bird feeders and certain types of deciduous, Remus noted mentally.

Alice furrowed her eyebrows, "It looks like a bird to me."

"A shiny bird" James added.

Peter's eyes began to water, as he continued "Peter Porpoise the Porpoise enjoys rollar blading and long walks on the beach."

"You mean long flights on the beach?" Alice scoffed.

"Because birds fly," James added.

Remus was still lost in thought, classifying the European Starling in his mind. Lily was also deep in the craters of her mind, but she was imigining gruesome ways Ripper could disembowel James.  
Ten minutes later, Peter finished his speech about Peter Porpose the Porpoise who was actually a Europeon Starling, and declared it was time for the animals to socialize and get to know one another better.

Together they watched the stuffed animals in the center of the room for two hours. Peanut Butter fell over after the first couple minutes though, not able to be picked up as Peter said it would 'ruin the moment', and they wouldn't want to do that.

Peter watched eagerly, making noises of excitement when something of importance never happened, Sirius was snoring as he sat beside a confused third year, trying to read through the distraction of the group, and the fact a bunch of stuffed animals were lying on the floor. James was repeatedly trying to place his arm around Lily, who was repeatedly slapping his arm away. Alice stared wide eyed at the the fire, trying to stay awake while Remus continued to read Marty.

The common room was empty except for those six as it was late and everyone else was also confused by the fact that there were stuffed animals in the middle of the floor, and decided not to question the Marauders.

"Well! I think they've had enough time to get to know each other!" Peter declared suddenly, jumping up from his spot on the floor. "Time to go to bed all, we've had a successful session!"

The others mumbled as they stood up wobbling, except for Sirius who remained snoring.

Alice grabbed her squirrel and immediately sprinted up the stairs to the girls dormitory, in case Peter thought of something else they might need to do. Remus slowly closed Marty and left, with Peter following.

Only Lily and James were left, along with that third year and Sirius who continued to snore loudly.

James always wished he could have a private moment with Lily, but as soon as he had it, he realized it was actually quite awkward. They were standing rather closely with their stuffed animals so he could almost feel her body heat colliding with his body heat in mid-air.

"So James" Lily whispered, almost seductively, "Ripper wants to get to know Peaches a little better."

"YOU KEEP THAT MONSTER AWAY FROM MY BABY YOU CRAZY PANDORA-WOMAN!"

Thus ended the first "moment" between Lily and James.

Frank immediately woke up from his spot under the desk in the corner.

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**Review, or Ripper will come to your house in the middle of the night and rip you limb from limb.**


End file.
